♔ Lost In Wonderland ♔

I would love to be able to fly.

Tomorrow, as I've mentioned before, is my last day in high school...
I'm going to be depressed and probably cry a lot cus there's people that I don't want to give up seeing everyday.

It's so soon..It hasn't sunk in yet...but..when it hits..I think it'll be bad....

Depression isn't my forte and tomorrow will be the last time I see my closest friends in class..where we're together..
after this.. I'm scared we won't stay friends...no

I'M TERRIFIED

I feel so helpless because.. we were all connected by school..we saw each other everyday and now I'm scared connections will break and we'll drift apart leaving the four year friendship behind...

Silvie is going to Florida and I'm scared about whether or not we can keep a long distance friendship...
Jessie lives in Staten Island..meaning I won't see her as much...
Lily and I seem to be having more arguments than usual..
Farha, I barely see anymore.....
    and
Angie, I barely see AT ALL outside school


(there are some others that I'll miss but these are the most special people to me)

I'm really scared...

I don't want these people out of my life...I really don't....and I know I'm supposed to be optimistic cus people can do anything if they try hard enough..but I can't help it.... I've lost many good friends in my life and  for the first time in my life..I REALLY DON'T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN.

As I'm typing this tears are pouring down my cheeks.

I don't want to separate.. I don't want to lose them.

I was making plans to go to school with Lily on the last day.. but she's been out for two days and when I said that she should go and that I'm worried that she missed two days and wasn't gonna come she said I was acting like her mother and now she sorta didn't want to go because of me..that really shocked me because she's one of my super close friends and I wanted to go to school with her on my final day. We worked it out [I think] but she kept saying "don't be late cus then I'm leaving your ass" and that made me angry and sad because she doesn't understand how sentimentally important this is to me..and shows how unimportant it is to her.

My mom just came in and saw me crying..she worried until I told her why and she said " that's just how life is, this is the border to a new world that you're crossing...you'll make more best friends.."

now i wonder why that didn't make me feel better.  ¬­_¬

Anyways, I need to go study for psychology cus I have a final tomorrow....yea I know..on the last day too...

Well I'll do my best..straighten things out..wipe away my tears and get ready to try hard..I can't make tomorrow disappear so I'll just have to be optimistic.

Well okay.. in today's entry..I shall do nothing but vent out my anger.....


The school day was alright. I got to go home with Jessie, Angie and Silvie.

I got my yearbook and got to write super long sweet wishes for my friends' future.

I had my last lesson of Stefandel's retarded yoga class.

and

I got to eat Malaysian food<3



NOW starts the fun........


When I came home and was about to call about my F.I.T. placement test results, my mom comes home for lunch and brings three letters that came for me in the mail.

ONE was a letter from F.I.T stating that I've been placed "on hold" because I need another Measles shot.

-----When I was filing the health paperwork, I asked my doctor to review my medical documents and see if everything was completed.

he: glanced at it and said it was fine.

I: asked if he could please double check because college paperwork is super important.

he: almost screamed at me saying I was worrying too much and that everything was fine.

....

That retard doctor....because he fucking didn't bother looking I've been placed "on hold"!!!!
OMG...that idiot whom I always said probably drew his doctor's diploma just screwed up my acceptance and now i have to go to him tomorrow and figure out what I have to do...


TWO was another letter...from Madison.

-----Now then..to those who don't know..I didn't know our school HAD a library till like Sophomore year..because... personally.. I hate libraries..[past experiences]
 
I was like "wtf does Madison want?"

When I opened the envelope...I was shocked..to the point where i blanked out and then came out the screaming full of cursing and the running around....

I welcome you to a flashback:

In April, I was curious if the library carried one of my favorite books, "And Then There Were None".
So i asked the Godzilla of the library [the woman that screams at everyone for no reason] if they carried the book. She said they had the play version and that it was still very good and that I should borrow it and compare it to the novel. I, though not a huge play person, borrowed the book only to return it in about 5 days cus I bought the novel version.

I found the lady and wanted to return the book. She was talking to some dude but paused the convo getting my book back and talking about it for a while.

now I receive......

A LETTER THAT SAYS I OWE THE BOOK

WTF?!!!! I gave it to her PERSONALLY!!!!!!!

~ now then...In case you don't know in Madison if you owe a book...THEY DON'T LET YOU GRADUATE
so now on my last day of high school I'll be running around and fixing my record.

Oi....

Then.. since i was having problems viewing my placement test results on Firefox, I tried Internet Explorer and the page said that I was required to take an ESL English prep class before I can enter a required English class......

NOW THIS GOT ME PISSED.

I was like how the hell are they gonna put me into an ESL class when I was in the country for NINE years and haven't had ESL since 5th grade...Oh also, English is my best class..I NEVER got anything in it lower than a 92.

yeah..

I called the lady and she's like I have to take it since I wasn't born here....

yeah...

so now:

    [recap]

I have to take an extra ESL class [which isn't free and takes up my time]....
I have to fix my record or I won't graduate...
I have to rush home after school and go to my doctor to get records or take another shot or see if he's even there tomorrow..

oh... joy and then...when I'm cooling off.....reading a newly bought manga that happens to be one of my favorites...

THE BOOK LITERALLY FALLS APART.

Yepp..this is when I told myself that I'm cursed..[at least for today]

..................................................

now onto another entry..

Oi, It's been a while hasn't it? *checks journal* four months? xD

I guess a lot has happened?
well umms lets see...since January.. YuSH! I remember some important things!


I went to the Tokio Hotel concert with Farha and Julie >w< it was certainly a day to remember XD
Me and Farha got tickets from this train cop lady cus we went into the train together lmao.. oh well big deal.. I was afraid that we'd be late for the concert though cus she sure was taking her time >:o
My parents got pissed off.. oh well it worked out in the end :] we got there and before going to the concert we stopped by a cute Japanese store and ate sushi and mochi ice ♥♥ then we waited for hours for the concert to start.. but when it did it was awesome!!

Bill is teh smexy >w< and omg girls are psychotic! XD

we got pretty close to the stage and when Bill threw his towel @w@ hur hur I first saw it when it was whole... then we had to leave and i was like:

                 " Damn i wanted a piece... TT^TT " and then me and Julie see Farha and she's all pluffed up xD

she's like:

            " I punched a bitch and got a piece of whatever they were fighting for... " 

  Farha is awesome XD ♥♥♥

So we went back to the cute Japanese place and ate more mochi ice and split the shreds of towel ...ahh life is good.






♥♥!!!!Oh~! I got into the Fashion Institute of Technology!!!!♥♥

*dances under confetti*

[ I don't know how that happened but...]

I was so happy I ran to my mom's pharmacy jumping and screaming!!!

*tears of joy*


i had to get like 5 shots @_@ and I took a blood test which said that I'm anemic.. something about an iron deficiency.. lol it's fine though I always sorta though I was anemic since I learned what it was.. I was like "i have a lot of the symptoms O_O"

Now I have to take medicine I haven't tried it yet but I bet it tastes icky... XP





Oh~ I had my first boyfriend~ ♥

It was a cute relationship that lasted 3 weeks ^w^


I knew him since sophomore year and I knew he like me then but I didn't give him a chance cus the guys that liked me back then would stare at me all class long [not him] and it freaked me out O_O so I was not very guy friendly back then lmao...

When i saw him this year I was like "I think I might like him"  >////<

I made it super obvious but not crazy flirty~

my motto is:


  >>    If I want it, I get it. If I don't get it, I get over it.     <<


Oddly enough around that time i think this other guy liked me and I felt horrible cus I felt like I've lead him on..which i never wanna do..


Anywho..we had an innocent relationship and he paid for my food ~ lmao. but I knew that it wouldn't last long. I was getting the feeling he wasn't ready for a relationship [which hindered my liking of him in that way] and my thoughts were proven true when he called me in that serious-nervous-we-need-to-talk-voice.

he was like:       [.. sorries I know if you read this you'll be like "Darya!" ]
                                
                              [after stuttering a while :] ]
          
                              "I don't think it's working"
I was like:

            " oka, I was getting the sense that you're not ready."

he was like
                
              "blah blah about me being a good girlfriend or something.."

I was like
                                   
               [thinking] *oh God don't start that thing they do in the movies*

me:
         
    " No really it's fine ^w^ now are you still coming shopping with me tomorrow?"

him:
                      " ...... "

me:
                " if you make things awkward I'll publically humiliate  you ♥"


[[I hate awkward]]

LOL. He said he'd come and we had fun and now he's like my best guy friend :3

we talk lots...probably more than when we were dating lmao and we still hang out.


I knew it wouldn't last much longer and at least the feeling was mutual. so it's all good~





I went to an anime con~!!

It was super awesome >w< I went with a bunch of friends and my ex lmao.

We got a bunch of free stuff and I bought the Loveless manga super cheap XD

I went in Gothic Lolita attire~♥♥ I wore my ALGONQUINS lolita coat, mary janes [ which murdered my feet but I still love them], a head dress and a wig  OwO.. my real hair was too short for the outfit..

Oh~! I  bought the first volume of the English version of the Gothic & Lolita Bible ~♥♥♥
and I got the three American Lolita designers to sign it >w<
as well as the person responsible for bringing the Bible to the U.S.

It was very fun. I loved it :D Oh! we all got Genki hats!! Mine's a kitty cap >w<

                             * is wearing it now*





Let's  see..

Well my birthday's coming up...May 18th ^w^
for some reason this year I'm not too happy as I usually am.. I think it might be because this means that soon high school will be over and I'm afraid of losing my friends... Bah!.. I've got to stay positive.. I'll try my best ^_^

Anyway!

    This summer I'm planning to do many things >w< when I go back to Europe..


1- Tattoo ♥ the battle with my dad [who's super against them] has begun. >:3

2- Third whole in my right ear

3-  Fix up my hair

4- Get contact lenses.

5- other stuff i forgot lmao.




I think that's all for now :D

I'll add something if I remember something else [unlikely]

                                                           ~ люблю вас ♥♥♥♥♥♥

YESH!!! Hatenkou Yuugi finally came out!!!

*does a dance*

I've waited since March >w>''' but yay!


It's awesome. I love the art and like Rahzel's outfits are still adorable [not to mention Alzeid is still teh smexy]
It was awesome...but uhh I could do without the changes...they definitely killed some of the story >_>''

Oh well! Dazzle gets an anime and I'm overjoyed<3!


shit its 2:20 am and I'm supposed to get up at 10 somethin [bleh] to go shoppin wiff Silvie and Julie.

heh heh oh well I'm used to getting 3 hours of sleep so I'll live...

<3333

Laughing inside when someone trips.

Meh.. I figure since it's the new year, I should write something.

.............


    Well, um vacation just ended and it was fun cus all I did was sleep, eat chocolate, hang out with friends and go online<3
I went to sleep every night at 3ish am and woke up the next day at like 2pm >w< Life was good. Homework wasn't forgotten...completely... oka what's important is it was done... on the 1st i believe xD.

    Me and my girl husband [inside joke] Lily got to hang out lots though other peoples whose name i shan't say left me for  a week. >_> It's oka ...I forgive you..cus you got me stuffs. lmao and you called lots.

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Oh I also got a chance to finally game out with my friends. We played Fatal Frame 2 for like 5 hours until like 4 am<3

It's hilarious cus to get that game I had to fucking run up and down Brooklyn for 2 hours xD  [[[this was like two months ago]]]

You see..

    I finally found a place that had it [for odd reasons it's surprisingly hard to find] and the place was close to my school [ yay..or so you think ]. the plan was that I get the game and go home to get ready because my friend's dad was supposed to pick me up so I could go to Staten Island to sleep over. When I went to the store, I was like yay! we'll play it tonight! but as soon as I grab it and head to the register this dude comes out of nowhere and is all like

                " you can't buy that" with this fucking satisfied look on his face.
                
               I'm like "why not?" and he starts putting up this shit about them not selling rated M games without an id.

So I go okay, and pop out my student id. [I may look 14 but I'll be 18 in May] and he goes :

                "That's not good enough. you need a state id"

This is when i start getting pissed. " you want me to bring my PASSPORT to buy a game?!"
and get this, he looks all happy like and says

                         "I guess a passport will do"
            
                             "........................." <-me

he goes like " there are cameras that monitor everything and we'll get arrested"

this is when I'm sure that he's fucking with me and I get pissed...reeeaaally pissed ..[ thankfully I dragged one of my friends along so I didn't kill anyone] I'm forced to fucking take the bus home then look for my fucking Green Card and take the bus back. and it was pouring out >_>.

when I get there I wait..oh yea.. I fucking wait for that dipshit to get to come to the cash register and i shove the card in his face going

                            "anything else?" all polite and cutesy

he looked so pissed and I of course enjoyed it<3 I got home and had an hour to cook, eat, and get ready.


                                           life is good.


[[>> yes i DID need the game THAT day and no i had no phone to call any friends from that area nor could I make my parents get it<<]]
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    I sent my essay into F.I.T...now all i ask from  them is to accept me >_<''' please...
 i had no time to ask anyone to fucking proofread it so I'm relying on my english skills....oh yea and i wrote it in like an hour.. at 11 pm.. and sent it in on the next day after school.

[no i'm not an idiot...it was due that day....yes oka so i left it till the last fucking minute..oh well]

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Today was...mildly entertaining.

Remember when I said that during the vacation I slept from 3am - 2pm?
well that screwed me over in the end.

well yesterday when I had to sleep .. I fell asleep at like 11 [cus I have to wake up at 6:30 -___-'']
but oooh! how fun!! I wake up at 2am and can't  sleep anymore till around 5!! ...joy

>>>I was actually laughing at myself going heh heh your body thought it was a nap<<<

I guess I messed up my sleeping pattern too much xD
and it didn't help going to bed at 5:30am on New Years.[the night before]


then the bus driver lady stopped the bus for like 15 minutes 5 minutes away from the school and I saw a dead raccoon across the street from Madison O_O''' who knew NY had wildlife other than the demon pigeons?

I felt like " fuck today is shit..yay new year..yay" but then some kid behind me was like

               "fucking city with raccoons dying all over" in russian

so of course I laughed..I still felt bad but was laughing.

later it was all right though..no not the raccoon...[after school it was gone O_O'' ]..the day flew by fast and I got like no homework..I could have enjoyed it more without the migraine though...but oh well

oh I wrote alot ^o^

oh wait wait!

HATENKOU YUUGI a.k.a. Dazzle IS GONNA BE MADE INTO AN  ANIME!!!! *w*

 rawr.

No I'm no obsessed with anime/manga in general. it's a hobby though yes but not an obsession.
The only manga/anime I'm obsessed with is Dazzle!!

*_*


can't wait.....

I've noticed how I changed.

[ It might sound stupid but it's whats on my mind ]

I used to be so bias and umm..let's see..stupid
I cared too much for useless things and not enough for what I really needed. I was so completely dense to things going on right in front of me..When I look back at it, I wish I could go back in time and smack myself. -___-'

Today I was told, " You're one of the most open minded people I know", by one of my closest friends..who believe me..isn't a sugarcoater. It made me realize how i changed. I've learned to care less for things that bring me down and focus on the positive. I've learned to cope with sadness and enjoy my happiness to it's full potential. Though above all..I think I've learned to accept things more... I accepted my flaws and the flaws of others (that was harder ha ha) ...I've accepted the shit I have to put up with and what I have to do to rise above my problems...

I still have moments where I want to smack myself for doing or saying something completely retarded..but they come around less often now.

I'm happy now..cus this time last year I was an idiot....I keep thinking "why the fuck did I do that?" over and over again but...I've learned to accept the past (well some of it..)

I'm still an idiot but in a lesser degree lmao.
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Don't get me wrong..I still have MANY issues with my personality. >__>''' but I'm working on them lols.


bleh if feels weird saying 'I' and 'me' so much...i feel conceited. nyaa..its like 2:30 am and I'm sleepy..nighty night

Why am I sad...? 


I wonder if it's something that happened today......hmm..today?

Lets see..Today we had our first AP Spanish test. It was 70 fill-ins of college leveled Spanish words. The only problem, we had about 40 minutes to do it. I mean when she said there were 50 I assumed THAT was a lot but on the test day ( which was delayed several times ) we stared at a two sided sheet, which seemed to contain some sort of novel, with a paragraph for a word bank.

By the time I realized my situation it had seemed that all my knowledge of Spanish evaporated.


O____O''' dude I so failed that test. ha ha it's actually funny saying it here.


I told the teacher and she was all like:

" Oh, you should have studied more and it doesn't make a difference of how many words there were, cus you needed to learn all of them"

I was like.." But Miss! There wasn't enough time to even concentrate on the sentences!"

This I find true now, (even though I may have made up an excuse at the time...) cus how is a non-native Spanish speaker supposed to fill out 70 fucking AP Spanish sentences in less than 40 minutes using a paragraph for a word bank?!!

oka enough whining.

overall the day was okay..though my legs still hurt from yoga o__O

oh well, tomorrow's Thursday and that means Friday is soon ( I figured if there were no weekends I would eventually grow suicidal )

oh fuck, it's late. I need to go sleep cus ...well... i feel like it.

au revoir my love

and let's see what tomorrow will bring<3 ( or slap me in the face with xD )

meh. A bit annoying isn't it? There like test in every class and the days feel soooo long! -____-''

I'm trying. not enough probably but still trying. I have to find out what fashion related major i should apply for and GET INTO F.I.T...
it's hard to decide what you should do for 4 years. I feel like it's happening too fast and i can't stop it no matter what....

Oh, today I got a sign from God...(i'm not very religious)
- on the bus me and my friend were talking about colleges and while I mentioned that I wanted to go to F.I.T. the girl next to me suddenly said

"Oh, I graduated two years ago from F.I.T.!"

"............." (me) " Oh my God ! really?!"

and  she talked about how wonderful it is (and cheap) and how it's a great school and you get many opportunities.  She majored in 'Fashion Marketing' and is now moving to L.A. to work with Columbian Pictures as their fashion adviser!!! (or something of that sort)


I felt like BAM! something hit me...

is this a sign that I should try my best to get in there?
When I went home I did some research on the school but I'm not sure what to major in...bleh..thinking of college makes me feel old..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, anyway I'm going to unwind a bit this weekend! Yays!<3


we'll be attending jessie's dad's birthday party so YAY FOOD!!!!!